Be kind to yourself.

Take in those words and think. Really think.

Many of us spend too much of our precious time hurting ourselves with our thoughts and our words. Constantly apologising for not being this or being too much of that – frankly it can be exhausting.

I learned behavioural traits from others who limited the man that I could be. I apologised of the inconvenience of existing and I held myself accountable, to a standard that I would never hold anyone else to, as though I should know better.

Living life as a constant inconvenience to another person takes its toll. I was once told that a person in my life excessively drank to put up with me, but in the same moment needed me to get food into the house and to help with their work. I did this willingly and knowing that every day was going to be a little harder. The more I was devalued, the less value I gave to myself. I mentally hurt myself for a decade.

I deserved everything that I got. I was a waste of space. I wasn’t worth it.

It is so lonely to be so hateful to oneself. I could be stood in a room of people and never really engage. “Knowing” that I would only make people’s lives worse. I would walk into an audition room and glaze over, putting up a shield of self-doubt and never opening up. Being unkind was self-sabotaging, fraying at the edges and internally falling apart.

It took a long time to accept the impact that this person had hd on my life and the damage that I was doing to myself. It was a long hard journey of self-discovery, asking myself – Is that aspect of myself really me? Or something I learned to be just to survive?

I have spoken to friends about this time in my life. People who were prominent then and remain so now. The thing they have universally said is that they had no idea. They spent years wondering why I sought validation, why I would sometimes go off the rails and why I had no confidence in myself. To this day, these are the people who remind me that I am too hard on myself. It is their words that stick with me when I catch myself heading into a cycle of self-judgement or mental self-harm.

My story is not a unique one. In fact it is far from it, sadly. But I ask you to be kinder to yourself, to take a step back, breathe and know that you make a mark on this world.

Triggers for me are DIY, cars and audition rooms – seeking guidance when it is my job to guide myself. I have tried to improve and show myself that I am capable, but there is always a hesitation and a sharp take in of breath when I am faced with no option but to do it myself.

A Work in Progress.

Be kind to yourselves. Prioritise kindness and personal challenge. Identify those triggers and slowly begin to break them open. Live with honesty to yourself even when it’s hard.

The world Is better for us all being here.