I have come to a huge realisation that life looks very different from where I am standing right now, on the precipice of 40. I don’t know what unreasonable expectations I had, but I have had to take time to process the difference between them. A blinkered perspective may well be all that was holding me back.

When I have opened up about ageing, I have found it quite difficult to find the words to accurately describe what my expectations of turning 40 would be, but beneath it all were the following: 

• Financial Security
• Feeling settled 
• Career Progression
• Balance 
• Feeling in control

How one measures success in these areas is very much up for interpretation, but I do know that I can often set impossibly high standards for myself (and on occasion for others too). 

I think I mistook financial security for being “rich” Not having to ever worry about money, to have savings and be able to spend what I like – budgeting a thing of the past! 

In reality, I am fortunate that I earn enough to live on, pay the mortgage and that my son has everything that he needs and some of what he would like. I have had to, and continue to, work hard to achieve this. But it is fact that I have a level of financial security – so what did my expectation really look like?

I forget.

Whenever you use the word “feeling” you are already stating that this thing is not quantifiable. Happiness for example: I feel happy, do I feel happy enough? Will this happiness be enough for me in a month? Could I be happier?

I recently saw The Notebook on Broadway, and I was astounded by the entire experience, but I was struck by a particular lyric in Joy Woods’ rendition of “My Days”, you could say it struck a chord…

“Where am I…

Where am I going? 

Is it somewhere that I want to go? 

And when I get there, is that where happy is?

Or is it somewhere that I already know?”

I think I was so caught up in what my ideals were and hitting goals, that I couldn’t actually see I was already there. Feeling settled is about people, it’s a release of breath, a dropping of the shoulders. It’s sitting on the sofa and talking through life’s challenges, it’s not having all the answers, not having to work hard or being surrounded by your every want. To be settled I needed to live in the present, the here and now. Not overthink the future or well on the past, because I knew deep down it was a feeling that I already knew.

Career progression is a limitless rabbit hole of what ifs. What if the interview went better, what if I worked harder, what if I told them what I really thought, what if I don’t? 

The allure of progression, power and status is hard to avoid and we can put immense pressure on our shoulders unnecessarily. I choose to take a breath – see what will be and know that the financial figure against my name does not define my worth. 

My favourite musical “Sunday in the park with George” has a song all about it. It’s called “move on”.

Balance is an interesting POV and this is because balance is so individual. I have always been someone who can keep many plates spinning at the same time – schedule chocka and still find time for more! But I am

Also the person who finds a yogurt pot in the sink and loses it! My mental balance perhaps isn’t what it used to be, but the awareness that I have of the balance of my life is much more useful to me than blindly spreading myself thinly. There is no doubt that I will pass into my forties a much more self-aware man than before.

Being in control and being controlling are very different directives. It’s not always easy to see the differences in yourself. This is a part of me, and one that has held me back in the past. It is both an admirable quality, and one that can put others on edge. Do I feel in control of my life? No way! But I realise that if I did, I would be quality controlling every aspect of myself instead of “living” life.  It’s funny the lessons we learn quite by accident 

When I really think about how I feel about turning 40, everything is actually tied up to expectations, and not necessarily to being older, after all tomorrow I am just a day older than I am now! I guess it was less about turning 40, than I thought it was. And more about goals that were never going to be reachable. 

I choose to be happy instead of choosing to think that “somebody chose my choice” 

The notebook really is a great musical. You must give it a listen! 

TIB