I have been officially retired from performing for quite a while. Serious audition nerves, fear of judgement for how I looked and a lack of self-esteem all contributed to my decision as well as a choice to prioritise other life goals.

Auditioning is HARD. Over time the negativity and rejection can really take its toll, and I eventually found that I was so inside my own head, that I was devoid of personality in front of a panel. I remain that it was absolutely the right decision for me to focus on other areas of my life, but also on the inside I realised I had shut off a huge part of who I was, as well. The inner performer was trapped under a layer of ice waiting to break through.

Over the past month or so I have chosen to push forwards and break beyond my boundaries to ensure that my inner performer has had an opportunity to shine once more and I have trodden the boards once again. The feeling is euphoric, like I had been hiding a part of me in a pool of self-imposed shame, but now had taken some tentative yet successful, tiptoed steps out of the water.

I have never felt so calm in a performance in my life. I was working with a group of people a lot like me, who work in other theatrical fields but also wanted to experience the spotlight on their faces. I wasn’t alone. I learned my lyrics, practiced my song, and prepared. A sort of calm wive it’s way over me and all that I felt was freedom. I wasn’t an almost 40 something man feeling judged, I gave way to the characters of each song and sang slickly to the jazzy beat of a Micheal Buble festive tune, sang vulnerably to the pain of circumstance under Ben Platt’s lyricism & I sang laughter through the frustrations of a peanuts character.

At no point did I wonder, if a note had wandered away from me. Instead the character took me on a journey, took me by the hands and I was safe standing in the spotlight – I had forgotten what that felt like.

This feeling didn’t dissipate. It sort of sat inside me like a warm glow.

So when a once in a lifetime opportunity presented itself to me, I thought less and just did! I got to sing a favourite musical theatre song in front of an idol of mine. This woman had a poster in the first theatre that I ever worked in – I would tear tickets everyday and see her legendary self staring back at me. She shaped my love of theatre in an unimaginable way.

I was nervous – shaking even – and there was a familiarity about the self-doubt. But as I walked up to the stage with 40 colleagues and friends watching me, I felt it drift away. I stood my ground, claimed the space, and then got momentarily so self-critical that I sort of watched myself sing the lyrics instead of being there and present. The legend asked me how I would feel about losing the music. Going back to the text and acting the words.

As the words left my lips, I found the complexity of the character again. Someone who felt spurned, but also wanted to attack. He feels misunderstood and vulnerable and distracted by the enormity of who he is and what he does. The character fleshed out around my voice and fully-formed in front of me. There he stood.

When the music came back into it, this character flew! He was cutting and funny. He was powerful in his own weakness. He was passionate in his own vulnerability. He was me and him, indecipherably as one complete person.

It was the biggest transformation I have experienced as a person. 20 minutes of my life to develop and grow exponentially from the inside out.

I won’t talk if being retired any more – I don’t think it ever really leaves you. I just forgot a part of me because it was easier to navigate life that way. I am so grateful to have refreshed my perspective and to have entered 2024 with a rejuvenated fervour for the upcoming year and also open for the joy that being on stage brings to my life.

TIB