When you read this post, you will no doubt think that I am being a little dramatic… and you would probably be right! But underneath the humour of what I am about to say, there is actual past pain. It’s fine to think I’m a little crazy, but remember to always be kind.

My Arch-Nemesis is a leotard.

Let me give you a second, to let that settle in. Let it ruminate. Now take a deep breath – stay with me here.

When I got in to my chosen drama school I received a jolly acceptance letter, a reading list and an equipment list. fairly standard stuff was contained in this welcome packet – with one exception, a black leotard! Now let me preface this by saying that I was doing a Masters in Acting, my initial thought was that they must have sent the wrong list to me… but the books tracked, the yoga mat – sure, the actors dictionary… I couldn’t help but wonder “what was the leotard for?”

I left it as long as I could before buying one. But it eventually reached the point where if I didn’t order it now, then it wouldn’t arrive on time.

At this stage in my life, I was upwards of 18 stone (and insecure with it) I dressed in large T-Shirts to hide the body and I wore a mop of hair to make sure that people would generally just ignore me – what I didn’t need was to have to squeeze that massive frame into a skin-tight outfit made entirely of Lycra. Was this some sort of hazing?!

Every week when that class came around I would dread having to be seen in it – I would wear layers on top of it and leave it til the very last second before I took them off. I felt humiliated (in a small way) but made myself continue – like ripping the plaster off in one go.

My arch nemesis never seemed to get any easier to wear. They invited audiences and there we stood in our Lycra second skins. I had had enough by the time Christmas came around and I decided I would diet to lose weight in an aim to feel better about the whole experience… it didn’t help! Yes I lost the weight, around 2 stone in fact, but the feeling of being exposed never left. I actually think that was the purpose of them, to strip us of everything to become a blank canvas!

When I graduated at the end of the year, I had every intention of burning it 🔥 I fantasised about it and how that awful piece of “clothing” would turn to ash! For some reason I didn’t though – others did, but not me. It stayed in a cupboard for almost a decade.

One day I opened up the cupboard and I saw it sitting there. I unfolded it, looked it up and down. I had lost a lot of weight since then and had also grown some muscle – I wondered “will it still fit me?” I closed the door to keep the world out and with trepidation I slipped into it.

It didn’t look that bad tbh! It was a bit loose in some areas but the reflection was asking mr what I was scared of?!

I wear it to this day under gym gear or when I make it to my adult gymnastics class, I think I was meant to hold on to it to reclaim this narrative. And I do. Every time I put it on I appreciate where I made it to today and what I had to go through to get there.

That’s the thing about our Arch-Nemesis’, quite often they teach us a lot about ourselves.

I’d love to know if you have had a negative relationship with an item of clothing and why?!

(It can’t just be me!)

I think there is something inside all of us that needs the momentum or puch of something to help us break through into the best version of ourselves.