This week I turn the BIG 40. And for months now my mind has been reeling with an energy of confusion, dismay and dread. No matter how many people assure me of the awesomeness of one’s forties, I can’t help but feel that maybe I am the exception.

My thirties have been pretty damn good tbh (especially post-pandemic) and I have been on a journey of self-discovery, self-kindness and self-awareness, which has led me to be the person that I am today. But in the last few months I have felt vulnerable and have had to navigate a number of quite difficult situations, all the while the voices in my head (and those on social media) are telling me that I am not good enough.

I viewed 40 as a time when I would be “sorted” whatever that means! And whilst I have the best family a guy could ask for, friends, and work in the sector I have always dreamed of being in, I still somehow feel like I have failed. It’s a problem. 

I do wonder if in truth I have just become tired. So tired that I can’t function to the level that I used to. A daily commute of 4 hours on top of work means that I’m not at home as much as I would like, and I am constantly reminded of all of the things I am missing out on. The cards are in my hands, but it’s hard to leap from the tree when you’re still tethered to the branches. 

I am so lucky to have the life that I have. This I know. And on the surface everything is great, but I just hope that I am able to off-load some of this internal dialogue, let it dissipate into the air so that I can achieve clarity of the person I am here and now. 

Ageing is not an easy process. The flaws become more noticeable as you get older. But I guess owning the person that you are in the moment,  is a way forwards from all that. Acceptance that your hair is thin and you’re going bald, acceptance that everything hurts all of the time, acceptance that life’s challenges are there to make you stronger. All of this acceptance is surely where you can begin to own it all – and move forwards? 

As I write this I am reminded that there is an apology that I need to make. To one of my best friends in the world, who I didn’t share how I was feeling with, but got the brunt of an (alcohol induced) internal breakdown – I will make it up to you my friend. I will tell you all, not to excuse my actions but more to explain the struggle that I have been experiencing. 

So is turning 40 the end of the world? Of course not. But has my 39th year been a struggle, yes. 

I keep pushing on. 

If anyone else is feeling this way, then know that it’s real, normal and understandable. But we can re-write our narratives.

With the support of our community.

But first be kind to yourself. 

TIB