When I sit back and really think about growth, several thoughts pass my mind. In an unflattering way I think of aesthetics – a focus on “how I Look” and also then the growth of muscle throughout my fitness journey. This physical documentation of strength, consistency and determination, is often seen by others much more readily than the self-reflecting guy who has seen the change day to day. 

I look back in progress pics and I can see how far the musculature has come on. I start to see pecs, more prominent biceps, developed quads and calfs. The growth is noticeable in its comparative side-by-side snapshots. The mirror though is a cruel mistress and in its reflection I see only the flaws. Progress has halted in the self-image in front of me. Where did the growth go? Did it disintegrate or erase itself from view, or do I have more growing to do… mentally, to successfully chart the moveable  beast that is physical development? One thing is clear – in order to pursue my development, growth has to come from the inside outwards.

My growth as an individual has always been through the lens of others. A problematic comparison made with friends, family, gym brothers & sisters alike. When my chest grows, I am subjected to more

And more content – showing how “behind” I am. Whilst I celebrate in their successes, there is a little part of me, that takes the opportunity to mentally self-harm. To say that in spite of the dedication and consistency that has been charted, I pail in comparison to others.

No amount of positive comments or recognition can convince me otherwise because all that I see is from my own lens of insecurity.  My head is a hard place to be stuck inside. It’s a prison of my own making, which makes it even harder to swallow. 

Side by sides are a great way to document how much growth a person has made. Yes the muscle will show and the body shape will change, but more than that is the inner glow. That light shines so much brighter in confidence. I look back on this pic and I am

Immensely proud of the person I was then. I completed my first marathon, I proved my determination and struggled through injury to cross the finish line in the Swedish Olympic stadium. Even after this mammoth feat for which I am very proud. I can see the questioning in my mind of why I was slower than I had anticipated. Why I had let myself down, why I was worthless. A smile didn’t hide it. 

Similarly, I don’t always see the progress that I have made. It takes someone to make me stop and look. To see beyond the doubt and instead see what is right under my nose.  Always the man who feels he hasn’t grown enough, I get reminded of the progress, and of the man that I am.

Beyond the aesthetics, the gym life and the dedication, I am first and foremost a man, a husband, a father and I am flawed. When did being imperfect become a negative? My biggest growth is in seeing that I am more than a picture on IG. I still need to remind myself self that this isn’t a competition, but that I continue to grow from day to day.

And long may it continue. 

TIB