If truth be told, I have always thrived in 1:1 social scenarios and smaller groups. Over the years I have attributed this to many things, but when it comes down to it, there is a lot more comfort in that type of conversation than in a larger more rambunctious setting.

In large groups, I have always been able to perform a role. A persona or a character that best suits the environment and the task at hand. What I fail to be able to do,  is to exist in larger groups as an authentic version of myself, unless you factor alcohol in!

Those sorts or environments really drain my social battery – being a filtered version of myself is exhausting. For many years I avoided these events; “no” to networking, “sorry I can’t” to social engagements, “can’t make it” to celebrations. The strain of having to battle through would linger over me and taint the experience before it had even started. The questions in my head were being asked by self-consciousness and shame. Why would anyone want to talk to me?

When you don’t like yourself, excuses are free flowing “ I Can’t People, today”, “It’s so far away”, “It’s cold”. All are ways of disguising the low running social battery, protecting myself and staying securely in my comfort lane. This is how I functioned for years, avoiding or drinking my way through them.

I heavily smoked tobacco for 13 years. There was no pressure to start smoking. No groups of people egging me on. I started smoking because I wanted to fit in. Just think on that, for a moment. I inhaled harmful toxins for over a decade because I wanted to belong. But it also served as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations, where a small group of people converse with regularity, in a much more intimate and connective way.

Because, the thing is, as overwhelming as that low social battery can be, I do crave a connection with people. Something meaningful and friendly, trusting and caring, and the best way to do that is one to one.

The idiosyncracy of needing friendly connection and avoiding people is not lost on me! It can be very lonely having such a low battery, and in new environments it can be super stressful. Stag Do’s, Christmas parties, weddings all bring with them an impending sense of judgement and overwhelming pressure to “put on a show”.

At  these sort of events, I can often be found sat to the side watching the party happen around me. I have met some amazing people – I may have only connected that one time in those specific circumstances, but all the same it bridged the time and meant I could recharge. The common misconception is that this alone time is some sort of attention seeking, selfish, a party pooper. But for me this is a coping mechanism a way to be able to be present in a safe way.

Its hard for people to understand what they don’t experience themselves, and I know that on the outside this introverted separated person is at odds with a more gregarious outgoing personality. But if truth be told, both aspects are true of me – a perfect, sometimes incoherent, always reflective mix.

My social battery is a part of who I am, sometimes its duracell and other times an own brand! But whatever it is, its me. And if you have me in your life, then you have to have all parts of me, the good the bad and the invariably ugly.

TIB