Next in my series of Cretian blogposts, I wanted to tackle the issue of holiday fashion faux-pas.
Now I have to be honest, and say that I have to forgive some issues, it’s people’s holidays afterall and on holiday you are allowed to do things differently and not be judged for it. But that excuse only goes so far, whilst here I have seen some truly terrible fashion sense displayed, and I had to write about it!
So let’s start with “One Colour Man”
His colour of choice was Neon Green, but if this is possible, he managed to find three different shades of it! Neon sunglasses, neon shorts and a fetching wife-beater in neon green and grey Marl! Any one of these items alone would be fine, even if they all were the exact shade of neon green, this outfit would still be dreadful! I wondered to my self how any man could have such a bad taste level, and then I realised that this outfit was not chosen by himself, it had obviously been picked by his wife…
Which brings me to “The Wife Of One Colour Man”
I know very little about women’s fashion, but I do know that a Bikini top and Adidas trousers are not a great look! And you guessed it the stripe down the side of the trousers was indeed Neon Green! ( although she had the sense to wear a different colour on the tiny covering of her breasts.
“Odd Choice Of T-shirt Bloke” is next in the firing line! If I choose to wear something bold, there is normally a reason for it. Maybe the outfit needs it, or maybe I fancied something quirky, but a T-shirt with a sequined and light up Eiffel Tower is bold statement and one that I really wasn’t ready for! (It also didn’t fit well at all) I have seen light up Christmas jumpers (which in their very nature are tacky, but that is part of their charm) He couldn’t think this was a good idea could he? And of course the answer is no…
Please welcome “The Woman Who Clearly Picked Out The God Awful Eiffel Tower Tee” who was wearing so much orange foundation that it distorted her face shape, a silver lamé skintight dress, a gold sequined shrug and red sequined shoes! Enough said.
Next is “Skintight Man” whom I bumped into twice today. He is a bigger guy and there is nothing wrong with that (I myself fall into this category) but I do have issue with the fact that all of his clothes are noticeably too small for him, skintight Bermuda shorts, a t-shirt that didn’t cover his belly, and to top it off, in the evening her was wearing skinny jeans!!!! And who is responsible do you think? Well actually in this instance there was no one obvious to blame!
I don’t want to be a bitch, but it is so easy to get a simple outfit right. So here are some of my top tips for beach/ holiday wear.
1) Swimwear should fit well, as long as it covers what it should be covering (including you arse crack) you can’t really go wrong. Some people look better in certain styles but it is for swimming in so it doesn’t really matter. Mid thigh length shorts are going to work for most body types. Tallies should avoid too long or too short a cut, and if you have muscular legs then go for a tighter fit to show em off! Easy!
2) Footwear, don’t wear trainers to the beach or the pool, otherwise just like several of my fellow holiday makers, you will end up walking back to your hotel room in bare feet. There is a reason people wear flip flops and this is one of them!
3) As a bigger guy myself, I must say that if it’s hot and you are by the pool, then take that top off. But if you need to go to the shop or the bat or whatever, throw a vest or a T-shirt on. This is not exclusively for bigger men either, it’s a manners thing, all men should. But us Bulkier guys will look so much more well presented by just throwing on a vest. (and let’s face it getting a vest on someone with washboard abs is about as likely as me squeezing into some super skinny jeans!
4) Beachwear is the perfect excuse to wear bold colours. Because swimwear is size wise a very small piece of fabric, you can afford to go a bit mad with a colour or bold print. But heed the advice of one colour man and don’t try to tie in a seven piece outfit with one bold colour!
5) Whatever you wear, make sure you wear sunscreen. It protects you afterall. I always worry that it will stop me from tanning but the reality is that it doesn’t, it should help the tan the right and safe way.
That’s it from me but below are a selection of cool beachwear items that I have seen at the pool or online for your delectation!
H&M Basic Swimwear Look
New Look Flowery Shorts
Grey Swim Shorts
Grey mustard vest
(From ASOS but no longer available)
Havaianas Flip Flops
Nautica Orange Watch