My mental well being has always been partially linked to my perception of my own body. I think this is relatively common. There was a direct correlation, as my body got bigger, my confidence got smaller. Aside from the health benefits of losing some weight, my mental health needed a boost and I didn’t quite know the positive effect that exercising regularly would have on me!

My self-confidence had become so low, that my ordinarily gregarious and outgoing personality had started to become stifled by the constant disassociation with the reality that I was over weight and out of control. Some days I would look in the mirror, staring at my own reflection and would bully myself

I would verbalise this hate of myself until I really heard what was being said. Then I’d cover myself up and apologise for my existence. I became socially awkward, and the networking necessary for my career became impossible to handle. I would skirt the corners of the room hoping that no one would speak to me, or I’d over drink until “fun Wayne” would appear. It would numb the pain of self hatred – for a few hours at least.

I lucked into finding a trainer that I connected with straight away! I had done one on one training in a gym, but when it found the the programmes to not work out, instead of bracing the subject, I would go into hiding and usually not attend the gym for months or cancel the membership altogether. So I approached TPM Health and Fitness to tackle it online instead. Tom and I have never met in person, but we have been working together for almost 6 years on and off!

I knew straight away that I need to be honest about the unhealthy relationship I had with Tom, regular weigh in were a big battle for me, because the number on the scale could send me spiralling into bad habits, but the support and care was given and together we made it work.

I realised that I had never really “collaborated” with anyone on my fitness before. All of a sudden it felt so much easier to tackle.

One day I arrived at my gym to discover that it had closed down over night! The equipment had gone and the 6am fanatics were all together looking a bit distraught if I am honest!

I had grown used to this gym. Yes, I didn’t really speak to anyone and yes it could sometimes feel a bit lonely, but it was familiar and the prospect of looking at other gyms was daunting, to say the least.

I walked into Core, and I knew that it was the place for me. The atmosphere was great and there was a nice mix of people being social between sets and those with their heads down, smashing set after set. People smiled, said hi 👋 and the staff were approachable, knowledgeable and kind. It was the dream. I instantly thought I wouldn’t be able to afford it, but was pleasantly surprised that I could!

There is no doubt that my body Goals have progressed, I have built muscle and developed definition. I have smashed PB’s and worked tirelessly to keep focussed and committed. But beyond that I have developed skills that have kept my mental health in check. I have spoken to people, I have learned to ask for advice to get the most from my workouts, when I look in mirror and see my flaws – I see challenges ahead and not hurdles that I can’t leap over. A good gym can do that for you.

This year I will be 40 years old – a milestone indeed. I intend to be the mentally and physically fittest version of myself on that day. I will celebrate with a workout and a sugar free Monster, and I won’t apologise for it.

The mental mountain that has held me back is behind me, I can still see it, but it’s into in my way. Each deadlift, squat and run on the treadmill moves me further forwards. Perfection is overrated, and for now I am perfectly happy with where my journey has taken me.

The days of mentally self-harming are done.